So my, my earliest memory is - so I grew up in, like, a satanic cult with my mom and three brothers. But the very first memory I have that I kind of talk about often is my - being in a trailer house, and I was three years old. And I was, my mom told me to sit up against the wall. And she pulled out - what I didn't know what it was at the time - but she pulled out a shotgun and aimed it at my head and told me that she was sorry, and she loved me. And she pulled the trigger. And I just remember seeing this huge hole behind me in the trailer house wall. And then, I was completely fine. Nothing was, had nothing wrong with me. And then she started screaming and crying and telling me she loved me, I'm sorry. And so she grabbed me in my arms, in her arms and, and just hugged me. And that was my very, very first vivid memory of, of life.

She had tried this many, many times in different ways with my, me and my brothers growing up. Like, to the point where I was like, finally, when I was 13 years old, I was like, I fought back. And then she beat me up, threw me out of the house and told me never to come back. And so at 13, I did. I left the house and never came back. I was, I became like a drug runner for, like, I started doing drugs with my mom when I was probably like 7 or 8 years old. And then around 9 or 12, between 9 and 12, I was doing, like, harder drugs, with and without my mom. But yeah, when she, when she threw me out, I thought I would never see her again

And so, yeah, I didn't see her for a very long time. And then, but, I think there's this natural instinct to want to have a relationship with your parents, even if you only have one of them. And, and so I would try to come back to, to my mom, you know. And eventually I did. I came back and she was still mentally unstable. And so things, you know, she would continue to try to harm us again. And, to this day, I have not seen I haven't seen my mom since 2016, I think, or 2015. That’s the last time I saw my mom.

I don't think that I ever will again. I, I have mourned the, like, what felt like a death. I mourned the death of my mom. And went through all the process of that. And I was just talking about it last night with my wife on a walk. I said, I still miss, like, I still miss my mom, like, I, I don't, I feel bad for her. Like, one of those things. Like, I know that life is better and safer, with her not in the picture. But also, I feel kind of sad sometimes that she's missing out on the beautiful parts of my life